I Was Not a “Good Man”

Since I believed in Jesus, I had thought that I had already had no corruption, because I always considered that I had a “good humanity” and could get along well with anyone and the brothers and sisters also regarded me as a “good man.” Later, I accepted the end-time work of the Almighty God, and exposed by God, I gained some knowledge of myself. At that time, I remember, God’s family assigned a brother and me to shepherd the churches. During that period of time, I had a prejudice against the brother. In the beginning, I didn’t think it was corruption and felt it was not a big problem. But later, such prejudices became more and more, which even caused me to lose the working of the Holy Spirit and live in inextricable pain.

Once we were learning dancing. When I saw the brothers and sisters all liked to learn from that brother, I felt that I lost my place in their hearts. Immediately, I felt very bad as if a knife were being twisted in my heart, and unconsciously I became jealous of him. Later, when I heard him singing pleasantly, I felt unhappy within. When I saw he talked much, I also got annoyed with him. Even when he ate much at the host home, I also had a critical view of him, thinking that he ate too much but had no burden for the work and so on. Later, things went to such an extent that I got irritated once I saw him and felt hatred for him once I heard his voice. Gradually, we no longer spoke to each other or had heart-to-heart talks. We ignored each other as if we were enemies. Sometimes in fellowshipping about the truth at meetings, we even attacked each other indirectly. Just in this way, I fell into a passive state and lost the working of the Holy Spirit. My heart was very distressed. When reading God’s word, I could not receive any inspiration. When fellowshipping with the brothers and sisters about the nature transformation, I felt rebuked within: “Hypocrite! You yourself do not practice the truth but ask the brothers and sisters to do it. You act one way before others and another behind their backs, deceiving the brothers and sisters and acting as a hypocrite….” God was searching my every act and every move. His righteous nature did not spare me, and I was thus being refined half dead.

In agony, I prayed to God constantly, pleading with God to open a way out for me. At the same time, I also began to examine myself and think back to every thing of my past. Thank God! Under God’s inspiration, I saw that I was arrogant, self-right, devoid of humanity, and narrow-minded…. And then I looked for ways of practice from the word of God. God’s word says: “For example, you have prejudices or critical views against a certain sister or brother. This is not a matter of a day or two; you’ve early regarded him as disagreeable to you. When it reaches an extent, you start to pass judgment on him and start to do things to him. In the beginning you have a thought but you are unaware of it, and you harbor it. Consequently, the more you harbor it, the more it becomes worse; the more you harbor it, the more you will feel you are right, and the more you will regard him as disagreeable to you. As time goes on, you will live by that. Thus, your notions become more and more serious. If you don’t store up things within and always open yourself to fellowship with him, such a consequence will not be easily caused. Hatred for or jealousy of someone is not formed in a day or two. From the start you have jealousy or petty critical views and this cannot hinder your growth in life. Over time it will prevent you from growing up in life and will become something harmful to you. Man’s inner state of being self-right can be cast off by many ways. This depends on whether or not you know how to practice and how to experience.” After reading these words, I made a resolution to open my heart to fellowship with the brother. But when I was about to open my heart to him, I had no courage. And a war went on fiercely within me: I believe in God, not him. If I open my heart to him, what view will he have of me? But then I thought, “What does God’s word say about this?” At that moment, I hated myself all the more. I took an oath to God: “O God! If I give in to myself again, may you curse me and give me a violent death!” On that evening, I plucked up my courage and said to the brother, “Let’s have a talk about our life entering during this period.” The brother agreed. Then I bared to him all my corruptions in every thing, such as my lack of humanity, arrogance, jealousy, and so on. I did not expect that he also bared to me all his corruptions. At that moment, we both felt a great sense of relief, enjoying the working of the Holy Spirit. We felt that God loved us so much, and that God’s word is indeed good medicine, which released and free us instantly. When we looked back to what had happened between us, we saw that they were all merely trivial matters not worth mentioning. Yet just by these small matters, God had made us see our own filthiness and corruption. We prayed to God in weeping and tears. We also sang many hymns praising God together, and we felt great enjoyment in our spirit. At the same time, we also tasted the sweetness of practicing the truth, and knew what was to rebel against the flesh and what was to practice the truth. More importantly, God made us realize that we were corrupted by satan so deeply that we had lost our humanity, reason, and the likeness of a man. We received a great deal. We were really grateful to God that he had given us such an unforgettable evening.

I repeatedly pondered over these scenes one by one. God’s work was so wonderful; God arranged the people, matters, and things around us just in order to transform and perfect us. O Almighty God, I praise you! You are so lovely! You prepared this great feast for us to taste, so that we could realize our blindness and foolishness and even more see that we are extremely filthy. O God! It is your chastisement and judgment that has saved me. It is your exposing that has made me know myself.

Xiao Yang

Hangzhou City, Zhejiang Province